I took a walk last night. And I felt it again. the overwhelming feeling that I was being watched. Stalked almost. Like I’m the victim in a blind and ignorant game of ‘cat-and-mouse’. I don’t know what it is that tracks me, but I know it’s there. And it knows I feel it.
In fact..it seems to me that it wants me to know it’s there. It wants me to feel its overwhelming presence and wants me to know that there’s nothing I can do. You can’t fight what you can’t see, just like you can’t hide from the all-seeing.
Why does it follow me? What have I done to catch the attention of this force? and most importantly…How do I escape it? What can I do to avoid the fate it has planned for me?
I can’t think, I can’t see, I can’t dream anymore. It keeps pace with my every move. It forces me to hide behind walls again..and then laughs as it steps through them like they were nothing.
I’ve hidden from this world and the worlds beyond for so long, that I’ve forgotten how to live. I’ve forgotten how to fight to live. And now I’ve forgotten why I chose to live again.
And now..the darkness is still there. Lurking inside me. I feel it shift restlessly within my chest..freezing me from the inside, hiding just behind my breastbone. I used to think it was my imagination. But now I think I get it.
The darkness within…the force that haunts me…the blinding fear that threatens to overcome me. It’s all the same to me..it’s all the same…
And now that I’ve put this into words..I suddenly feel so cold. A frost is burning inside. The restless stirring from before seems to be gaining strength. I feel that I should be shivering from this internal freezing..but I’m not. Not even a goosebump to mark the path these icy fingers trace.
What’s happening to me? this internal ever-winter piles layers of snow onto the seeds of hope I had foolishly allowed planting of, choking the life out of them…and me.
who can live without hope? who can live without dreams? who can live with the knowledge that no matter how much effort you put into something, no matter how much of your heart and soul you put into words, to be immortalized forever…eventually everything must die. no one lives forever, and one day all languages will be obsolete.
say goodbye to living forever.